Communication

Why Do We Communicate?

We communicate for various reasons, all aiming, in some way, to improve our emotional state or that of those around us. The main reasons include:

• Creating, enhancing, or amplifying positive feelings.
• Changing negative emotions.
• Creating a new outcome.

In essence, we communicate to feel better.

Examples:

• Sharing good news, like when I found out I was going to be a father for the first time, creates and amplifies positive feelings.
• Expressing when we are upset, annoyed, or sad helps to change negative emotions.
• Teaching people or giving opportunities creates new outcomes, which makes us feel better because it generates solutions or new opportunities that pave the way for new results.

Asking Questions

The first attitude when facing a situation or conflict should be to question:

"What do I really need to feel better about this?"

Knowing what we need helps us to better direct our questions more elegantly:

• "What can I do about this in a way that makes me feel better?"
• "How can I help in this in a way that meets my need to feel better and still contributes to improving my relationship with this person?"

Asking questions is an essential skill. The quality of the questions we ask reflects the quality of our relationships and, by extension, our quality of life. Generally, we ask ourselves three types of questions internally:

1. Why is this happening to me?
2. How can I solve this?
3. How can I solve this while having fun?

The best question is the one that makes the asker happiest. Imagine also:

"How can I solve this in a way that I have fun and the other person has fun too?"

Therefore, it's crucial to ask the best question before starting communication.

The final question is:

"How have you been communicating in a way that really has made you feel better?"

Quality of Life is the Quality of Our Relationships

Quality of life is intrinsically linked to the quality of our relationships, whether with ourselves, with God, or with other people. When we are stressed, our communication tends to be poor and broken. It's important to reflect on how we communicate when we are stressed, both verbally and through non-verbal language.

Stressed Does Not Communicate!

All disorders or stress are the result of the meaning we associate with unmet expectations. Stress, therefore, is a result; it's the fruit of our internal representation of an expectation that was not fulfilled. Generally, we associate this expectation with someone, whether real or imaginary (like invisible monsters), which can be seen as poor management of our imagination.

It's normal for people not to always meet our expectations. It's important to make clear what our expectations are to see if the other person also commits, but without counting on them always being met.

The Belief System

The belief system is crucial as it helps us understand why we do what we do, influencing our behavior. Following a belief system that helps in managing expectations can be beneficial:

1. A person is not their behavior. What a person does does not represent who they are, it only reflects a specific moment. For example, in the family, we can disagree with the behavior, but we continue to love. In raising children, we should correct the behavior, not the child. It's essential to separate the behavior from the essence of the person. Example: "I really do not accept this behavior here, we have an agreement about this, and I love you very much, but I believe you can do better than this!" Thus, we correct the behavior and not the person.

2. There is always a positive intention behind every behavior. Even when the behavior seems negative, there is always a motivation with a positive intention behind it. Remember that the positive concept here is related to the person's internal representation of the world, not the external result for other people. This is an impotant concept to understand in order to communicate better.